Firstly let me introduce myself, my name is Cass & I am soon to be 41. I am originally from Australia but now live in Leicestershire. My husband & I were married in May 2006. I was keen to start trying for a baby whilst in Australia so I could call the baby Ozzy or Matilda! In August we started trying by the end of September I was pregnant. I joked all I had to do was sniff Ads sperm & voila!
Sammy was born by emergency c-section the following June. Fast forward to September 2010 & we decided the time was right to add to our family. Naively I thought it would happen just as quick. As time went on I thought something wasn’t quite right. I think it was 2013 when I was diagnosed with Secondary Infertility after loads of invasive tests. And as you already have a child the consultant just thrusts leaflets into your hands to consider private fertility treatment. To be told there is no medical reason why you can’t fall pregnant is heartbreaking. Because you know you can as you have already done it. I so wanted to be told there was a reason.
What also comes with SI is the guilt you constantly have if you moan to your childless friend of your struggles. Or your friends who have loads of kids saying off hand comments like “why the hell would you want another one” oh & another corker “isn’t your son enough for you” Once the flick has been switched to complete your family,it’s hard to turn it off. You lose friendships as friends don’t know how to tell you they are pregnant. You become bitter,sad & grief stricken. I have made some amazing friends through this journey on Twitter who get it. But it’s sad to make friendships under these circumstances,but these people have been a lifeline. And to the other friends who have stood by me,thank you.
I love my son more than anything but I desperately want to give him a sibling. He has now stopped asking for a baby sister or brother. I will never forget the knife in heart moments when he has innocently asked why he doesn’t have a sibling. We have done 2 rounds of IUI which have been unsuccessful & have decided not to have IVF.
But in all the sadness,I do have an amazing family. The three of us are a tight unit which I am grateful for. Will I ever stop wanting another baby? No I don’t think so,but in my own time I will accept it.
But if you are reading this as you are in a similar situation, know you are not alone.