Any struggle to conceive, carry and give birth to a healthy baby is painful.
Despite having a child or children already does not make the failure to create another any less painful.
Nobody suffering with Secondary Infertility wants to make light of their situation or offend anyone the Primary Infertility – indeed many struggled to have their first child so understand at first hand – and they certainly do understand that they are fortunate to have that first child.
When the natural desire and instinct to have a baby kicks in, having a baby already or not does not affect how strong the urge is, how much you want it at any cost, or how much it hurts when it doesn’t happen. Secondary Infertility is still Infertility.
The main differences between Primary and Secondary Infertility is obviously that in the latter you have a child or children.
In terms of feelings, when you have a child already, in addition to the same longing and heartache you also feel guilty, pressure, isolation and greedy. You struggle with the reminders of what you can’t have with your child around you all day. There’s no escape from baby world or kiddy world – that’s where you are, that’s your life. There’s no shooting off on a couples’s weekend away with friends at the drop of a hat, no getting pissed with the girls on a Friday or planning a ski trip with old school pals as and when you want. You have responsibilities and you have a little one that needs you, whilst reminding you constantly of what you are not able to recreate.
You also have the additional pressures of being a parent and the effect that has on your relationship. An extra little one in the middle of the bed isn’t conducive to regular love making, constant sleepless nights don’t help give energy when you need it at the right time of the months and when little one is finally in bed, downing that bottle of wine to get over the bedtime routine certainly isn’t helping your wellbeing.
Anyone reading this who is struggling to have their first child will say – “but I’d love to have all those problems, you are soooo lucky” You know you’re lucky, you know they are right, but when reality bites, being a parent is hard, it’s really hard sometimes and the guilt that is laden on anyone wanting another child but being unable to have another is intense and unfairly placed.
It’s pain, it’s just a different pain, with different triggers and scenarios. It is no less painful. It’s just different.