As much as sitting on the loo staring at the dark streak of blood on the paper in my hands gave me a kick in the stomach, that was nothing compared to the pain of having to tell my husband. It wasn’t bad enough that I should have the earth shattering discovery that I was bleeding and my dream of being a mum for the second time was over for another cycle, I then had to find the courage and strength to impart the tragic news to the person I loved the most, my husband.
Infertility is often all about the woman, for obvious (unfair if you ask me and God IS a man but anyway) reasons.
I could be broken, physically, mentally and emotionally destroyed yet I would have to muster that certain something that would not only enable me to deliver the news, but also be there to comfort and support him when his dream of becoming a father was snatched away, again.
I was talking to another girl recently about ‘that look on his face’. That little boy lost look that cannot disguise the immense, acute pain coupled with the longing yet confused look as to what to do next. Should I hug her? Will she hug me? Can I change this? Can I rewind time? Can it be true? It is alright to cry? Do I really have to look at that paper FFS?
There is no disputing that men are often overlooked throughout the treatment and it’s pleasing that mens’ fertility issues are being talked about more and more. Yet still, no matter how much attention is paid to perhaps Men-related causes of infertility, whatever the cause, there will always be that look between and woman and her partner when she has to deliver the news. It’s unavoidable, and I guess in some relationships, that look could be on a female partner where the other is trying to get pregnant.
I will never forget that look. I’ll never forget the fear and fury and having to tell someone that news knowing how devastated they would be. When I needed support the most I had to find strength to comfort someone else. Yet it’s the way it was, will be and can only be.