So this morning I sadly received a text from a friend whose second IVF cycle failed. BFN as they say (well they say Big Fat Negative though admittedly the ‘F’ always meant something else in this house!) I was so terribly sorry for her and angry at her misfortune and it took me right back to those dark days when I would just want to scream and shout at the lack of control I had over the result.
As I walked into the kitchen shortly afterwards, our 18 month old twins were tormenting Zac, soon to be 7 in just 15 days time and he was looking rather harrassed. He was trying to complete a game of Fifa on his iPad and the babies were trying to grab it and were screaming in frustration at him. I laughed at the chaos around me, and poor Zac’s plight, and said: “Zac, when you are all grown up, do you think you would like to have babies?” I was totally surprised at his answer.
“Well I guess so, if I’m lucky.” When I asked what he meant he simply said: “Well some people can’t have babies can they? I might not be lucky enough to have babies.”
So grown up, so wise, so accurate. I felt an instant pang of guilt. Had I created a world around my young boy that had taught him one of life’s cruel lessons as such a tender age? I know we had brought Zac along on our journey to extend the family and I was always careful when explaining to him why he didn’t have a brother or sister at the time, but it had clearly left a mark on him and made a lasting impression that I was ashamed I had not continued to nurture.
As I stewed in my own thoughts and Zac rescued his iPad from his now tantruming little brother he said: “I guess if I say my prayers and am a good boy I might have babies, but don’t worry Mummy, our babies haven’t put me off, they are only annoying sometimes!”
Jason and I laughed at his wisdom and his conclusion that the twins were only temporarily annoying. Yet today, I’ll say my prayers for my friend, remembering how lucky we were to have ours answered and how extra lucky our babies are to have such a wonderful big brother in Zac.