Could it possibly be that as well as being an icon for all things voluptuous for women, Kim Kardashian West is also in fact a celebrity who perfectly represents Secondary Infertility? Just like the majority of other women desperate for a second child, I have no doubt at all that Kim has never actually searched the term ‘Secondary Infertility’ on Google, but having come across this recent article I’m pretty sure she is familiar with the pain, frustration and confusion associated with her desire, and apparent failure, to produce a sibling for North.
She personifies all that plays with the mind of any mother who wants another child and feels guilty for doing so, knowing she is already so lucky. A good friend of mine, who has undergone three unsuccessful IVF attempts in trying for her second child, recently spoke to me about how she was reminding herself constantly how lucky she was to have her son and was focussing on all that was great about her life. She already had so much, a child, loving husband, comfortable lifestyle, nice holidays and treats and so her list went on as she tried to put her desire into perspective. She is “lucky”. And yet, deep down, she doesn’t feel lucky at all as she battles daily with the reminder that her longing for another child is unfulfilled.
Currently I have two friends battling the life limiting illness MND, I have a friend with four year old twins struggling through chemotherapy fighting breast cancer and I have a very dear friend whose beloved 21 month old baby girl is battling a brain condition that gives hourly cause for concern and worry. When I think about any of these terrible situations, it’s easy to look at what you have and feel lucky for all that you are blessed with. Each provides a good dose of perspective that gets you through any challenge.
And yet, I know only too well that when you are in the midst of the world of confusion and anger that is Secondary Infertility, amidst all the emotions that comes with it, perspective is one that is all too often lacking. You just can’t find perspective in your situation. Try as you might, knowing you should, you still find it very difficult to look at all you have and flick off that switch of desire for something else.
You find it almost impossible to find satisfaction in people around you, material goods, life experiences because the big, ugly, painful truth is you want and need something more. It is always there staring you in the face in any situation you find yourself in. That pain isn’t so much that you don’t have a baby, it’s more that your body isn’t functioning as it should, or as everyone else’s is, to produce that child. It’s the knowledge that often others are questioning why your body isn’t producing a child and the shame that comes with that.
What’s more, it is the burden of guilt that you carry knowing you have so much, you are so blessed in so many ways and you should be completely happy, but that your heart won’t allow it.
So for the woman who is adored and envied the world over, how big must her daily dose of guilt burger be right now? A popstar husband, huge wealth and fame, loving family and of course her beautiful daughter, North, she appears to have it all.
How easy is it for anyone reading this article to dismiss her anguish with a “What more could she possibly want, she should be grateful for everything she’s got, greedy cow!” How much is enough? How little do you need to have for both you and others to think it’s OK to want more, to want another child? The truth is, you could have nothing and still there will always be someone, probably yourself, who will say that you are lucky to be alive and should count your blessings for every breath. The real truth is, no matter what life has thrown at you or blessed you with, you should never, ever feel guilty for wanting another child and there are thousands of women like you the world over. You should not be ashamed. You are not alone. Good luck Kim. x
Big love to all my friends and their families through all their battles and good luck to you all x