Why This Morning go it so wrong this morning!

I’m sat typing, still fuming, at a phone in on ITV’s This Morning.  I should start by saying I love this programme, I love Holly and I love Phil and I love the chemistry and content on the show.  Normally.

Today there was a Phone in about ‘Fertility’ and I had the TV on in the background as I was working in the office.   Having asked the show repeatedly to cover the topic of ‘Secondary Infertility’ and raise the profile I was intrigued whether the subject would be covered.  It was, and I was thrilled.  Momentarily.

Poor Phoebe, who was brave enough to call in that she was struggling to conceive another child, is no doubt feeling depressed and saddened by the response of the, usually supportive, presenters.

Holly, who has three children and to my knowledge, not struggled to conceive, immediately told Phoebe that she had to ‘let go’ of the feelings of guilt and desire to give her child a sibling.  “let go” If she could let go, surely she wouldn’t have phoned into a national, live TV show?!  She told her to let go but she didn’t tell her how….that million dollar question that nobody can answer!!!

Holly later then went on to flippantly tell Phoebe she had only been trying for 9 months, and the average time was at least a year!!  So does this mean she doesn’t have a right to feel worried, frustrated, sad or even desperate?!

Phil, well Phil came out with the absolute corker, that “she should think of the positives and remember that she had a child when so many people in the phone in didn’t”.  If they wanted to do a demonstration of all the things people say to someone struggling with Secondary Infertility that really hurt, that create more isolation and cause more harm than good, then they hit the nail on the head.

I gasped each time as they both came out with the stereotypical comments that many of the poor women in our support group say they are faced with.

These women know they are lucky to have a child, can’t help feeling the need and the guilt and if they could turn off the desire and pain then they would.

I really hope I can get hold of Phoebe and point her in the direction of this website and our support group where this poor girl, who is clearly struggling, can get the support and advice she obviously needs.

This Morning.  Sorry guys you got it wrong this time.  sad face emoji

#FindPhoebe

 

Kim Kardashian – the perfect case study? Discuss.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2904061/I-want-baby-bad-s-not-happening-Kim-Kardshian-struggle-conceive-second-child-husband-Kanye-West.html

Could it possibly be that as well as being an icon for all things voluptuous for women, Kim Kardashian West is also in fact a celebrity who perfectly represents Secondary Infertility?  Just like the majority of other women desperate for a second child, I have no doubt at all that Kim has never actually searched the term ‘Secondary Infertility’ on Google, but having come across this recent article I’m pretty sure she is familiar with the pain, frustration and confusion associated with her desire, and apparent failure, to produce a sibling for North.

She personifies all that plays with the mind of any mother who wants another child and feels guilty for doing so, knowing she is already so lucky.  A good friend of mine, who has undergone three unsuccessful IVF attempts in trying for her second child, recently spoke to me about how she was reminding herself constantly how lucky she was to have her son and was focussing on all that was great about her life.  She already had so much, a child, loving husband, comfortable lifestyle, nice holidays and treats and so her list went on as she tried to put her desire into perspective.  She is “lucky”. And yet, deep down, she doesn’t feel lucky at all as she battles daily with the reminder that her longing for another child is unfulfilled.

Currently I have two friends battling the life limiting illness MND, I have a friend with four year old twins struggling through chemotherapy fighting breast cancer and I have a very dear friend whose beloved 21 month old baby girl is battling a brain condition that gives hourly cause for concern and worry.  When I think about any of these terrible situations, it’s easy to look at what you have and feel lucky for all that you are blessed with.  Each provides a good dose of perspective that gets you through any challenge.

And yet, I know only too well that when you are in the midst of the world of confusion and anger that is Secondary Infertility, amidst all the emotions that comes with it, perspective is one that is all too often lacking.  You just can’t find perspective in your situation.  Try as you might, knowing you should, you still find it very difficult to look at all you have and flick off that switch of desire for something else.

You find it almost impossible to find satisfaction in people around you, material goods, life experiences because the big, ugly, painful truth is you want and need something more. It is always there staring you in the face in any situation you find yourself in.  That pain isn’t so much that you don’t have a baby, it’s more that your body isn’t functioning as it should, or as everyone else’s is, to produce that child.  It’s the knowledge that often others are questioning why your body isn’t producing a child and the shame that comes with that.

What’s more, it is the burden of guilt that you carry knowing you have so much, you are so blessed in so many ways and you should be completely happy, but that your heart won’t allow it.

So for the woman who is adored and envied the world over, how big must her daily dose of guilt burger be right now?  A popstar husband, huge wealth and fame, loving family and of course her beautiful daughter, North, she appears to have it all.

How easy is it for anyone reading this article to dismiss her anguish with a “What more could she possibly want, she should be grateful for everything she’s got, greedy cow!”  How much is enough?  How little do you need to have for both you and others to think it’s OK to want more, to want another child?  The truth is, you could have nothing and still there will always be someone, probably yourself, who will say that you are lucky to be alive and should count your blessings for every breath.  The real truth is, no matter what life has thrown at you or blessed you with, you should never, ever feel guilty for wanting another child and there are thousands of women like you the world over.  You should not be ashamed.  You are not alone.   Good luck Kim.  x

Big love to all my friends and their families through all their battles and good luck to you all x